Figuring me out
by FuckYeahMaki
Summary: Matthew is dying, literally. His rare cancer, to his mind problems, his whole life is a mess. He doesn't have a lot of family visit him, he's practically alone, just him and his thoughts (which can be deadly). But what happens when Alfred and Gilbert come back? Matthew doesn't know, but at this point, he doesn't care. (Trigger Warnings in this story! Described in the first chapter)
1. The Flow

_**WARNING! IN THE FIRST CHAPTERS, THERE ARE MAJOR MAJOR TRIGGERS.**_

 _ **VIVID HALUCINATIONS**_

 _ **NARCOLEPSY**_

 _ **PERSONALITY DISORDER**_

 _ **DEPRESSION**_

 _ **ANXIETY**_

 _ **HOSPITALS**_

 _ **PILLS**_

 _ **LOSS OF REALITY**_

 _ **ETC.**_

 _ **Please be careful when reading.**_

 _ **~0~**_

 _Matthew._

 _Matthew, please wake up._

 _Your brothers are fighting for you._

 _Matthew, right now is not the time to sleep._

 _Step in, Matthew._

 _Matthew!_

As I opened my small, violet eyes, the world was a blurry mess. I rubbed my eyes in effort to maybe make something out. I flinched at the pressure of my cold hands. I let my hands down, looking around my white room. _Oh, right._ I remembered, _I'm in the hospital. Again._ I sighed and leaned back on my uncomfortable bed. God, this was probably the worst part of being in this stupid building for the bajillionth time this year. The uncomfortable-as-hell beds. It's like there's a metal pole stuck in your side 24/7 (Unless, you actually do, and if you do I feel _so_ sorry for you).

The room was small and stuffy. It reeked of sweat and dust. It was all just bits and parts of me. I've been sitting in this room for a week and it has been the absolute most boring week ever. Every hour a nurse comes to check on me, takes my blood pressure, gives me a cup of water and then leaves until the next hour. It was a fairly steady schedule and I didn't have to do almost anything when a nurse _did_ come. But in general it was really peaceful, quiet, and overall boring.

"Matthew?" A familiar voice called from the door, "Someone's here to see you."

I sat up a bit, trying to peer through the door crack where the nurse was standing, "Uh, who is it?" I asked.

"Oh my god just let me see him," The voice said impatiently on the other side of the door, "Come on, I can't stand here forever. I'm worried."

I cleared my throat, "Let him in please."

The nurse opened the door. What I saw standing there, made my day.

"Alfred…?" My voice was soft and mellow, "Alfred, oh my god, I haven't seen you since we were sixteen, where were you-"

I was tackled by the warm embrace of the man in front of me. He was actually on my bed, just hugging me.

I didn't want that moment to end.

But apparently, it didn't even start in the first place.

 _I guess I never told you why I'm here, did I? Well, if you really want to know, I have these… conditions… that leave me incapable to really function very well in society. In this 'elite' hospital, they treat me for both things. This isn't an average hospital, you see. It treats many different types of problems, leading from mental issues to physical issues. They pride themselves in taking people who need to most help, which is why I'm here in America. I couldn't get the treatment I needed back in Canada. So, since it was so horrible, I was sent here to see if they could maybe help._

 _I have this strange type of cancer called Myelodysplastic Syndrome. More specifically, Refractory anemia with excess blasts (The first kind). It kind of works like this; One or more blood cell types have too little of them, causing my immune system to be horrible. These things called blasts are in my body to try to take the place of the cells, but it doesn't work too well on a majority of patients. Other than that serious problem, I have other issues as well. They're mental issues. It first started happening when I was very young, and I couldn't really do anything about it. I have major depression, causing me to feel really empty and alone. Most specifically, it makes me feel like no one can even hear me, nonetheless see me. It feels like I'm underwater and I can't breathe. I can't hear anyone and they can't hear me. It's like I'm worthless and stupid and there's nothing I can do about it._

 _Other than that, I have these episodes of hallucinations, kind of. I haven't been diagnosed with narcolepsy, but whenever something that would be kind of like that, the whole scene cuts and the world snaps to wherever the scene started in the first place. They haven't tested me when I go through the episodes, though. That's probably why I don't have medication for it yet. Just another pill to add on the list, right?_

 _What I just saw with Alfred, that's a great example. It seemed like he was running into the room and hugging me. Well, that didn't actually happen. I should've been able to tell anyway, no one would ever visit me. But, back to the point, it seemed real. This happens at least three times a day. And when it does happen, it's a really sad scene. I'm kind of pathetic when it comes to those types of things. Seeing what reality of mine is actually real. It's sad how I can be tricked into that by my own brain. But it also hurts, you know. It hurts knowing that my brain is so messed up that I believe that things that don't happen actually happen. It's scary and I can't even tell what's real and what isn't and it kills me._

 _So._

 _Much._

 _I guess I can't really get away from it anymore. Not until they actually understand that I'm aware when it's not real. They THINK that I'm just saying that so that I can move on in what's left of my life and finally get out of this hell hole. But, sadly, that won't happen… ever again. I rarely get out as it is, so the fact that I might never get out again since I'll probably die, or kill myself, soon anyway._

I looked at the clock, sighing.

 _I should probably go to sleep. Good night journal._

I closed my journal and placed it on the small end table next to my uncomfortable bed. Lying down into my bed, I thought about Alfred. I thought about Arthur, Francis, Gil, and everyone else. I thought about my life, and how things were before.

God, I miss how it was before.

 _ **A/N- Thank you for reading the first chapter! I had a different view of this entire story when I wrote the first couple of chapters, so these first three or four next chapters will mainly be along this type of line. This will, of course, have an effect later in the story, but it won't until near the end. But I want this to be a touchy-feely romance comedy, though it may change into tragedy. No promises~**_

 _ **Anyway, thank you! Next chapter will be posted in a week or so, looking for reviews!**_


	2. The Break

I woke up to the sound of crying. _Is this real?_ I thought as I sat up slowly, peering around the room. I silently started to stand up, wandering towards the sound of the sobbing. I walked towards the door, leaning my ear against it. _Is that…?_ I listened closely, trying to make out the person.

 _Is that…?_

The nurse knocked on the door.

I stepped back, allowing her to open it, "Yes? You can come in."

The nurse opened the door slowly, "Hello Matthew- Why are you out of bed? Do you need something?"

I shook my head, "I was just getting some water," I leaned over the nearby sink, which fortunately, was near the door, "I was parched, I didn't want to bother you."

The nurse smiled, her brown hair tucked behind her ear and her little dress a bit too tight, "That's very kind of you, but we are here to make sure that you're in a comfortable and safe environment. Now, why don't you lay down," She gestured me towards my uncomfortable as hell bed.

Though I didn't want to- AT ALL- I proceeded to find my way back into my uncomfortable as _hell_ bed. I should give the nurses more credit. They put up with a lot of shit everyday and I have no right to say that their job isn't stressful. Then you add helping everyone constantly, and you start to feel bad for them. If people here weren't so god damn needy then maybe they could get some vacation time or something, go to the Bahamas! But because of us, they're stuck here, acting like mothers and fathers to everyone. Really makes their life a whole lot more stressful. I really hope that they know how much we patient's care about them, if they weren't here, we might be dead.

The nurse placed her hand softly on my forehead, and then on my cheek, "You're not running a fever, that's good," She said before reaching towards the blood pressure tester, "We're going to run that test that you've been waiting for today, Mattie," She smiled, strapping the velcro around my skinny arm.

I gasped, smiling like a three year old, "Really!? For the narcolepsy?"

She nodded, continuing to pump air into the bag, "Yes, Matthew, for the narcolepsy,"

My toes curled, "This is so exciting! I can't wait to see if I have it!"

The nurse looked closely at my blood pressure, "I don't know why you're happy, narcolepsy isn't exactly a good thing…"

I just shook my head at her remark, "No, Eliza, this is huge! If I have narcolepsy, then it'll prove that I'm not crazy or having hallucinations! Isn't that big?"

She smiled as she unwrapped the velcro pump from my arm, "I suppose, but it's still not a good thing," She put the blood pressure tester on the counter, "At least if it happens now, I can see what _actually_ happens, that's good, right?"

I nodded, sitting up a bit, "Then the doctors will come and they'll know what's wrong with me- mentally at least," I sighed. I had almost completely forgot about my stupid rare type of cancer that'll kill me soon. It puts me in a strange position, so I don't usually like mentioning it or thinking about it, but when it slips out, there's nothing I can do.

The nurse, Elizaveta, smiled, "The medicine is working, we're doing all we can do Matthew," She placed her hand softly on my cheek, and turned away. She started walking towards the door, when she stopped and turned around, she had this smile on her face. It's not one of those smiles that are faked or forced, it's a genuine smile. The ones that make you happy just looking at them, like you can do anything. She cracked open the door, "Matthew, Arthur is here," She said, before walking past Arthur and back into the hospital common-grounds (as I like to call them).

Arthur smiled and walked into the room, he looked tired. And by that, I mean both physically and emotionally, he looked really drained. His eyes were bloodshot, hair was messy, and he just looked so _tired._

He was probably the one crying earlier.

He sat down on a nearby chair next to my bed, smiling softly, "Hello, Matthew. How have you been? I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much as I used to, work has been taking up my entire life, so I haven't had any time just to sit down and talk to my favorite boy," He cleared his already raspy throat, pushing back the strands of hair falling on his face, "I apologize once again, Matthew,"

I just smiled at my hands, "It's fine, I don't mind. I've had company come and go. Gil visited a couple days ago, that was a real thrill. He wanted to take me out to get some lunch, but the nurses wouldn't let him, so he picked me up, and carried me right out of the hospital. We ran to his car, where there were clothes, and it was just a really fun day," I leaned back on my bed, staring at the ceiling, sighing, "I'm having another test done on me today, and I'm really nervous,"

Arthur laughed a bit, "You'll be fine, boy. No matter what type of tubes they stick in your body, you're strong, you could have seventeen tubes in your head, and I know you'd make it out alright!" He smiled, holding my hand tightly, "Matthew, you'll be okay. Please do not ever think that you should just let go, we need you,"

I nodded, "Yeah- I know Arthur. Thank you," I yawned and rubbed my eyes, _how late is it?_ I glanced over at the clock, it was 3:05 pm. _Ah, makes sense. Side-effect of my pills,_ "It's not for my cancer, though. It's to see if I have narcolepsy,"

He seemed confused, eyebrows furrowed and just slightly concerned, "Narco-what?"

I smiled, "I might fall asleep at random times, that's it. There's not a lot to it, please don't worry,"

Arthur brushed my light blonde hair off of my face, which had a small smile on it, "Well, that's better than having hallucinations... " He trailed off, looking out the window next to my bed.

The window was quite large, but not huge. It's like those big windows you would see in your school, but with a windowsill you could probably sit on. I've never tried sitting on it, I usually just look out it when I think.

Maybe I should do that tonight.

After my testing, I could just sit up on that small windowsill, looking into the vast night sky and all it's stars, every fragment that makes up the huge void that is space. Because space, it's really big. I bet that there are universes after universes only having the smallest changes to them. Whenever you make the slightest, stupidest, almost not even existent move, another universe is made. And another, and another, and another. And it get's you thinking, why does it happen? How could scientists make this theory, and then show so much evidence to why it's true? That's the question of a life time.

The question that can never truly be answered, asked by the most questionable people in the world.

Why?

And it's a great question, too.

Why do people do the things they, do- what caused it- anything along the lines of that, it's all just so questionable.

Why?

"Matthew, Matthew!" Arthur yelled, obviously irritated.

I snapped out of my thoughts, turning my head to face Arthur, "Oh! Sorry Arthur, I was kind of lost in thought… I'm so sorry,"

Arthur sighed, "You've always had your head in the clouds, ever since I've met you," He smiled softly, "Anyway, I'm sorry, lad, I've got to get going. I couldn't stay for long in the first place,"

I knew Arthur was going to leave, he always does and then comes back months later. This was going to be the end of him for a while, "Yeah, bye Arthur. It was great seeing you again, I really hope you come back soon," I said to him while he was getting up.

He pat my head once more, turned, and left.

I was alone.

Again.

But that was normal.

As usual,

I was okay.

 **-Time skip, during the testing-**

They put me down for the testing, I don't know why, I'm not a doctor. The things that doctors do to patients for tests are stupid. First, they made me take these pills, then, they put me in a room with this squishy fabric everywhere so, ' _If something happens and you start to move during the tests, you will not be hurt by any objects, and if you collapse, you will not be hurt by the ground in any way.'_ I guess it makes sense, but they're taking this like I'd kill somebody when the episodes happen. _That's_ the stupid thing about these tests. I mean, they don't know what happens when that happens, but I haven't killed anyone yet, so how could I now? I don't know if they even have experience with this type of thing, I guess it just relies on my faith. And considering my current position, I suppose I decided to rely on them.

I guess.

I don't really find a benefit in putting me under for the test. If they're testing me for something that makes me fall asleep, how would they know when it happens?

It's just stupid.

I hate this.

I hate that this is happening to me.

I wish I wasn't me.

I hate me.

 **-Time Skip, after the test, in his hospital room-**

I sat on the windowsill, like I said I would. Believe it or not, it was pretty comfortable. Eliza brought me a couple pillows, a blanket, and a water bottle, just so I can be perfectly comfortable. It's a really nice thing of her to do, I didn't even ask. She's always been so nice to me, I wonder what she was like before she met me. She was probably still nice or something.

There are a lot of possibilities for why she's nice to me, but my best guess is that it's because she's just a nurse. Nurses have to be nice to patients, if they aren't, what good are they? I mean, they're basically mothers to the patients, so it really wouldn't make sense if she wasn't nice to me, right?

I sighed, "The things people do is weird, I don't understand," I mumbled, leaning back against the side of the window.

The window looked over the complete front of the hospital. You could see the cars drive in and around the circle, the giant parking lot, a giant grassy field, small forest, and the great, bright night sky that I adored so much.

"I wish I wasn't here anymore, I wish I wasn't me," I mumbled out, brushing my hair back out of my face, staring at the opposite side of the windowsill, "I hate myself. I hate the things the doctors do to me. I just wish they would stop. I wish I didn't have cancer, I wish I had a love life, I wish someone would talk to me for hours on end, not caring on end the time, I wish someone would care about me more than just a standard caring, god damnit, I wish," I cleared my throat, "I wish I could love with myself, instead of hating myself,"

I took my new pills, prescribed by the doctors. Turns out I didn't have narcolepsy, I had Schizoaffective Disorder. Basically, it's something similar to Schizophrenia, but I don't have all the symptoms for it. Originally, in the process, they assumed I had Schizophrenia, but then changed it once I got through the therapy session. That explains my depression.

I sighed. Maybe something interesting will finally happen tonight. Once when I was here, Francis picked me up and we went to a movie. That was when I was still slightly okay, or at least well enough to do anything. I really wish I could go back to that moment, it would be nice.

 _Clink_

I looked out the window, confused. It seemed as if someone just threw something. I stared at the ground outside, " _No one's there…"_ I thought.

 _Clink_

This time, I saw the rock. Or- pebble. It flung from possibly a far hill or something. I'm on the fourth floor, so I never thought that someone could possibly get a rock thrown this high.

But, I guess I was wrong.

" _I really hope this is real."_

I still can't _really_ tell. Clearing my throat, I sat up, leaned over the slight edge of the window, and flipped the two little things above the window, the thing that locks and unlocks it, and I unlocked it. I pushed open the window, and looked down at the ground.

"Hey, dude!" The voice rang in the warm summer night, "It's me! I know that it kind of seems hard to believe, but your weird friend-"

"Hey, Birdie!" The other voice rang, slightly louder than the first.

"Yeah… So, anyway, he told me that from here we could _probably_ get to your room so, uh, is that you Mattie? Or is this a slightly angry old woman?"

I laughed a bit, shaking my head. I looked down at the ground, seeing two familiar faces, "Yeah- Yeah it's me, Al,"

I sighed, wondering if it was actually real. It _does_ seem like something he would do, but there is that 76% that it's fake, though, we'll see how it goes.

 **A/N** ** _: Oops, waited too long? Anyway, I really appreciate all of the favorites and follows! If you guys are enjoying, please review! Anyway, the next chapter will be extremely deep. It gives a brief summary of the events of the past, and I think you guys will really enjoy it! I hope so, at least. Anyway, that's all for now, buh bye!_**


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